The big one part II

Thanks for all the support. and yes, he is an ass. However, I am not completely blameless.

I am not perfect, however I strive to be so. I also think that others should try to be perfect too. I'm a hard ass. I like things done the right way, and most times I believe the right way is my way.

The incident I wrote about last time came during a birthday party for my husband. A party that I expressly asked not occur. It was his 40th. I had planned a surprise party for him back at home on his birthday, which is a few days after the new year. I asked that the family act just like normal. (ignoring it during Christmas) But his mother insisted, (and by insisted I mean she did it behind my back, while saying to her ex-husband's wife, "I'm his mother") and insisted on having it in her ex-husband's house. Which I think is a huge imposition on his current wife and her family.

So, I was already pissed. Right? Maybe a little quick to blow? I'll take that in my column.

As for my husband, he wanted to straighten things out right away, but I was wounded, and hurt at the time, and I wanted it to all go away. I actually thought about leaving my husband with the babies and getting the hell out of his life. I felt like I was going to be a horrible mother and they would be better off. But I could not stand the thought of not seeing them everyday, all day. He thought his father didn't really mean what he said, that he couldn't have.

Oh, I also got my hand slapped by my father in law for being less than polite when his wife was here helping me with the boys. I'm totally guilty on this one. but I do have an excuse for this too.
step-mother in law, was here helping with the boys. I had blankets on the floor to keep the little boys off our not as clean as I would like carpets. (they weren't moving around yet) The first set of blankets, she got poop on, by refusing to put anything underneath one of the asses, and sure enough poop on the blanket. Another load of laundry. Thanks for the help. Just as I got the second set of blankets on the floor, she stepped on them. Not just one of them but both of them. Again thanks for the help. This is all after I had to tell her for the 1000th time to not use metal on my hundred dollar non-stick pans, and all the other little annoying things that you notice about someone when you are totally sleep deprived, caring for preemie twins, who may or may not stop breathing at any time. Also I should say, I'm a really self0sufficient person, and I really like my privacy or rather ALONE time. So having someone in my house, even if they are really trying to help, makes me a little crazy.

Okay, so I snapped at her. I made her cry. I feel AWFUL about that. She WAS only trying to help.

My only excuse is overtired, postpartum, and a little post traumatic stress thrown in for good measure. Oh yeah, and I'm a control freak.

But I guess this is my fatal flaw. (according to my FIL) I have these little blow ups! And these are going to forever injure my boys and their future friends. No one will want to be around me if I ever blow up at them.

So now, I feel totally inadequate. I judge everything I do, every time I don't use a perfectly patient voice, or I raise my voice. I feel judged. I feel like a failure. I feel like my FIL and SMIL are shaking their heads thinking that I'm damaging the boys.

What is so difficult is that in so many ways they are kind and generous. SMIL will do anything to help us. They paid for our rental house on vacation so we would go and be with the family. If we say something now, (like you really hurt me, my relationship with my husband and my children, and oh yeah, fuck you) we are ungrateful.


(Re-reading, I know this is all over the place, but if you get though it, thanks for listening, it is a
rant after all.)

This is the big one, Part I

Okay, this rant is the primary reason for my pink room.

Two years ago December I had a MAJOR blow up with my Father-in-Law. Here's the story. I'll be very interested in feedback.

The boys were about 9 months old, and we were in the middle of our first RSV season. (RSV is a common virus that in preemies could be very dangerous and deadly. It presents just like a normal respiratory illness, so it is hard to tell if it's just a cold, or if it's RSV.) We were at my in laws for Christmas, with our 19 month old niece, who had a cold.

This was a few days after Christmas the whole family was gathered for dinner to celebrate (we'll call him) Bob's birthday, (oh this is a whole other rant) I had my food sitting on the table in front of me, the babies were lying on the floor in front of me, as far away from sick M as possible.

My FIL comes over, sticks his fingers in my food, and then puts them in M's mouth. He then comes back and sticks his fingers in my food again. (I know can you believe it?)

I ask him to stop and he starts making some noise about not touching her, or my food, etc. I loose my shit and say "NO. REALLY. STOP. NOT. FUNNY. STOP. NOW" or something like that. He storms off. I realize it might have been a little loud, and when he comes back I apologize. I go over to him, and say, "Sorry I snapped at you" Which I feel is appropriate for the situation. He looks at me and says, "We'll talk about it later."

This conversation later becomes a bash session. My dear FIL tells me the following:
I need to apologize to SIL#1, (M's Mom) and SIL#2 , for what they witnessed.
I am a very nice person, but I tend to have these "outbursts" and I need to get them under control for the sake of my sons.
Any other person would not have stayed married to me.

Yes, you read that right. Any other person would not have stayed married to me.

We'd been married for 13 years at the time, been through infertility, the sudden death of my father, twin pregnancy that ended in 9 days of bed rest and 26 week preemies, and other normal married people shit. How fucking dare he. He, divorced once, married to a saint that doesn't mind being a slave to him, and is okay being at everyone's beck and call. How dare he judge our marriage. How dare he suggest that his son is so fucking wonderful for putting up with a bitch like me.

I'm angry now, but back then I was just hurt. Wounded to my soul.

I don't think I can write more about this right now. It's making me angry, sad, and emotional. I'll finish this story later.

It's just good to know that I have a place to bare my soul.

Did you hear that?

That was me taking a deep breath.

I'm so excited to have a place to say some of the things I really want to say, but don't because I don't want to offend or hurt anyone who knows me or those people.

A little BG. I'm a mom of twin preemie boys who were VERY, VERY sick at birth. We spent 5 months in the NICU and it was touch and go for 4 4 months and 30 days of those months most of their stay in the hospital. They are both happy and healthy now, but the stress of all of that nearly drove me over the edge.