Thanks for all the support. and yes, he is an ass. However, I am not completely blameless.
I am not perfect, however I strive to be so. I also think that others should try to be perfect too. I'm a hard ass. I like things done the right way, and most times I believe the right way is my way.
The incident I wrote about last time came during a birthday party for my husband. A party that I expressly asked not occur. It was his 40th. I had planned a surprise party for him back at home on his birthday, which is a few days after the new year. I asked that the family act just like normal. (ignoring it during Christmas) But his mother insisted, (and by insisted I mean she did it behind my back, while saying to her ex-husband's wife, "I'm his mother") and insisted on having it in her ex-husband's house. Which I think is a huge imposition on his current wife and her family.
So, I was already pissed. Right? Maybe a little quick to blow? I'll take that in my column.
As for my husband, he wanted to straighten things out right away, but I was wounded, and hurt at the time, and I wanted it to all go away. I actually thought about leaving my husband with the babies and getting the hell out of his life. I felt like I was going to be a horrible mother and they would be better off. But I could not stand the thought of not seeing them everyday, all day. He thought his father didn't really mean what he said, that he couldn't have.
Oh, I also got my hand slapped by my father in law for being less than polite when his wife was here helping me with the boys. I'm totally guilty on this one. but I do have an excuse for this too.
step-mother in law, was here helping with the boys. I had blankets on the floor to keep the little boys off our not as clean as I would like carpets. (they weren't moving around yet) The first set of blankets, she got poop on, by refusing to put anything underneath one of the asses, and sure enough poop on the blanket. Another load of laundry. Thanks for the help. Just as I got the second set of blankets on the floor, she stepped on them. Not just one of them but both of them. Again thanks for the help. This is all after I had to tell her for the 1000th time to not use metal on my hundred dollar non-stick pans, and all the other little annoying things that you notice about someone when you are totally sleep deprived, caring for preemie twins, who may or may not stop breathing at any time. Also I should say, I'm a really self0sufficient person, and I really like my privacy or rather ALONE time. So having someone in my house, even if they are really trying to help, makes me a little crazy.
Okay, so I snapped at her. I made her cry. I feel AWFUL about that. She WAS only trying to help.
My only excuse is overtired, postpartum, and a little post traumatic stress thrown in for good measure. Oh yeah, and I'm a control freak.
But I guess this is my fatal flaw. (according to my FIL) I have these little blow ups! And these are going to forever injure my boys and their future friends. No one will want to be around me if I ever blow up at them.
So now, I feel totally inadequate. I judge everything I do, every time I don't use a perfectly patient voice, or I raise my voice. I feel judged. I feel like a failure. I feel like my FIL and SMIL are shaking their heads thinking that I'm damaging the boys.
What is so difficult is that in so many ways they are kind and generous. SMIL will do anything to help us. They paid for our rental house on vacation so we would go and be with the family. If we say something now, (like you really hurt me, my relationship with my husband and my children, and oh yeah, fuck you) we are ungrateful.
(Re-reading, I know this is all over the place, but if you get though it, thanks for listening, it is a
rant after all.)
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2 years ago
3 comments:
I'm sorry, but I think everything you're placing in "your" column of things you did wrong is easily forgiveable and not at all on a par with telling one's daughter-in-law that "anyone else wouldn't stay married to her."
You had 2 teeny babies that you (I think) waited a long time for.
Of course, you were a testy with SMIL. Did you ever apologize to her for it? If so, it's over. Time to move on.
Of course, you were a little paranoid about the babies catching your nieces cold, either directly or from you. You did apologize for snapping at him, but, honestly, he should have stopped before you got to that point. I think you were pretty brave even to bring the babies near a toddler with a cold at that time of year. (My youngest had RSV. It's scary.)
Forgive yourself for being flawed. We're all flawed.
Apparently, your FIL's flaw is being Mr. Holier-than-thou. Worse flaw than losing one's temper on occasion, in my opinion.
mmm maybe time to distance yourself from his family? Just a thought. let hubby go with the kids if he wants, but just take some girl time for yourself during that time. If anyone asks simply say you feel judged every time you are there and you'd rather skip that... you want your kids to be close to their grandparents etc but you don't want to hear about what a horrid person you are anymore.
Your are totally normal. What new mother wouldn't be a little testy...esp with premies, no alone time, and hormones??? I'm nuts with just one newborn at a time let lone two premies!
No one is perfect - and you're just being human. Even if you were an ass it isn't his place to decide how you are 'allowed' to act. He's not God. But he seems to think so.
Everyone is different and some people live emotionally stunted lives in order to maintain a chaos free life - internalizing moments of rage instead of just expressing the negative emotion, letting it go and moving on. That you express yourself likely means you are emotionally more stable than your in-laws. Crying because you snapped at her? (my guess if the situation had been reversed and you were at their house and she snapped at you and you cried, you'd get the lecture for being overly emotional and overly sensitive...they set it up that you always lose and you always look like the 'crazy' one. don't let them label you...you are fine.)
kim
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